Blow-Off Gala
The world's annual Blow-Off Gala took place last Saturday in the Kent village - Pratt's Bottom.
Over two thousand attendees watched as 117 took part in the aggressive anal action!
Whoopee cushions flew off stalls (some blew off, too) as spectators got in on the bum fun.
The results of each event are as follows:
LOUDEST FART: ROLAND RIPPER.
STINKIEST EXPULSION: GRAHAM GAS.
MOST VICIOUS COMBO (DECIBEL & STINK): IVOR TRUMP-TOURNEYDOH.
A new world record was also set for: MOST WHOOPEE CUSHIONS SAT ON SIMULTANEOUSLY AS EARS POPPED: 727.
The Mind Boggles!
(Parody)
(Pic of 3 types of toilet cistern/pan)
"WHO LET THE BOGS OUT?"
FLUSH,
FLUSH,
FLUSH!
"WHO LET THE BOGS OUT?"
FLUSH,
FLUSH,
FLUSH!
Spicy Curry Ballad
I love a spicy curry:
Madras, Vindaloo,
Chicken Phall, Jalfrezi, Bhut
Jolokia, too!
Lots of milk and water flows
Down the gullet fast,
As the fire in my mouth
Takes BLAST after BLAST!
Pilau rice and papadums
Mango chutney - yum!
Onion bhajis, Bombay tats -
Super smiley tum!
Naan bread - just delicious
Mops the plate up proud;
But beware next morning when
Noises: EXTRA LOUD
Expel from the bottom and
From the lips with force;
Spicy curry dishes, though
Are worth such remorse!
No Nose-Picking...
POSTER DISPLAY:
THE NOSE-PICKING CONTEST HAS BEEN CANCELLED.
Speech bubble: "No it snot!"
Haribo Sours
In the gob
BANG!
Feeeeel the tang...
More - devour!
Exxxtra soooouuurrr...
Ahhhhh!
Lip-pulling fright
through sharp delight!
Gurning Finals
The Gurning Finals took place,
Ugly scenes galore.
This face
this one
this as well
plus a whole bunch more
Caused great screams and bottom blasts
Men brown-haired turned grey,
Brandy's - doubles - were dished out
From a MASSIVE tray!
(pic)
Weeally?!
A bloke wearing a hi-vis jacket stands In the gents with a clipboard
Ticking off:
HAND WASHERS
SOAP DODGERS!
A Short Story
#1
Robert Wadlow stood 9 feet tall. This short story explores the height of a chap, one Master Stiltson, who stood 10 foot 2; door frame owners he'd sue!
This is a quick picture of Master Stiltson (in his boots):
As you can tell, he grew extra well! (Apart from his arms!)
Master Stiltson wanted to be tall. He thought it'd be cool. But he cried. A box of Kleenex every day to his tear-ducts found their way.
"Boo-whoo-who" he'd bellow as the tissues soaked in glee. But WHY did he? Why did Master Stiltson cry? I shall spill, I won't be shy...
His mum was small. His dad an' all. 5 foot 3 and 5 foot 5 . His genes, would his dreams survive?
A-HA!
T.B.C.
The Spot who Spoke...
(Pic of face with spot bubble: "Puss off!")
Blunt
(in pencil/fading grey ink)
I sharpen my pencil before I write
Or, the words fade out of si...
Drink Dilemma...
Wine
is fine
if you have time.
Beer -
less dear,
to bogs: steer.
Cider -
brighter,
wake-up fighter!
Gin
win-win,
tonicy grin!
Rum -
unglum;
brew does fun!
Bitter:
sipper?
Dodgy pump squitter...!
Vod,
slim bod?
Alcy sod!!!
Heading up North?
The Bald Head Society
Held its annual get-together
Last weekend -
in Wigan.
Bald heads shone:
Hair-scares - gone!
Bald Brashness
A chap with no hair
walked into the barbers and
asked for a shave. "Oh... Oh
oh no," said the barber,
"there is no hair!"
"I meant my thick bush,
hiding, there!" giggled the
chap with no hair
on his head. The barber
fainted; off baldy fled,
with the till! One big
bald-headed thrill!
(pic)
Battery Hen Comic
A chicken was eggcited
Shelly was her name,
She was on her hen-do and
Telling yolks her game!
"They are crackers" cockerel said,
"On the stage you'll be!
You go on for ages like
Duracell, he-he!"
Asalted
(pic of salt pot punching a face!)
Tailgating Twat
Tailgating Twat
BUMper Bandit Prat
Don't you get too flipping close to me.
You Tailgating Twat
Your driving's bloody shat,
My boot you love, I'll rent it to thee!
(pic: boot up arse!)
Bully & Wally!
Bully & Wally had a fight
Wally, at first: out of sight!
"I will find you!" Bully said
"When I do, you may be - dead!
Mooooooo!"
Wally's glasses wobbled as
He hid for his life.
Then a most delicious waft -
Lots and lots of spice...
Out he wandered, twitching nose
And the red flag, here it goes...
(Pic, flag waved/lifted)
Bully spotted Wally! Wheeeee!
"Acne you have! He-he-he!"
(pic)
(You didn't expect that ending, did you...)
Draws/Drawers
Score draws
Stinky drawers
Empty drawers
Artist draws.
This poem draws to a close...
(DRAW a silly man, speech bubble: "Byeeeee!")
False Teeth Appreciation Society
The False Teeth Appreciation Society met for its annual conference - in Ahhhhhberdeen.
48 proud wearers boasted pink gums and pure white gnashers as they engaged in positive conversations, describing their last year's experiences.
One happy member, 76 year old Pauline Meatung, said: "It's been wonderful! These choppers of mine, which I named Squish-Squash, slice through beef and pork and blocks of cheese like that Leatherface does bodies with his chainsaw! He-he-he!"
Mr Phil Ings, 62, said: "I'm newish to the denture game, but thanks to Steradent, my cutters are white as snow." (He then proceeded to show us molar by molar, incisor by incisor, proudly.)
Seatless: Don't get the Rump...
The History of Hardback Chairs Group has declared there's standing room only at their forthcoming town hall meeting in Sittingbourne.
Donky Bonky
Darcy Donk
Loved to bonk
When she did she squealed.
In she'd dig
Like a pig
Her chops rarely sealed!
Oziot
The Wizard of Oz was a fraud
Behind that screen whilst dreams were poured
There he stood.
In misery mood.
"HA HA, HA HA, HA HA HE HA!"
Bellowed he at each new scar.
What a total wanker.
Go get a run over - by a tanker!
Water Fab Sleeping Experience!
The Bouncy Bed Club for sleepers troubled
Has had its paid up members: doubled!
Bouncy fast spring water beds
Have relieved them from their meds!
Insomniacs:
Need no more quacks!
(That's Perrier good).
I.o.D.
On the Isle of Dogs
Barking mad is life.
Woofi, though, is free, although
Paw performance - rife!
I.o.M
On the Isle of Man
Women aren't allowed.
Population is declining
From the Manxy crowd!
Drips
When I was a plumber - leaks I repaired.
Now, the human drips in life - I plunge! I'm prepared!
Tommy Ayke
(Tommy Ayke was always ill
For his symptoms: zero pill!)
T.B.C.
Phil the Photocopier
Phil the photocopier
Printed, just for fun
Images that purest eyes
From - would run and run!
Arses naked, boobies bare
A4: black and white,
In joy, en masse, gladly gave
Retinas a fright!
Phil upset the vicar once
He peed off the Pope!
MPs, Lords and Ministers
Dirty - needed soap!
Phil the photocopier
Giggled as his ink
Smothered pure white pages with
Stuff to make hearts - sink!
(pic)
Chestimonial!
The All Day Breakfast
I had an all day breakfast,
My teeth, lips and gums
Ache and groan and my breath of
Farmyard - gosh, it hums!
All day breakfasts last too long,
20 mins would do;
Over that delivers pain:
Menus have no clue!
Snow White was NOT Alright...
Snow White
Had a fright
In the Summer hours:
Off she melted,
Snowballs - pelted,
Those dwarves: huge eye showers!
Doc cried, "Do not leave us here!
Kids books will be filled with fear...!"
Snot a Nice Habit
Ronnie Rose
Picked his nose,
Sweetest sight you'd see.
Fingers - stuck
To the muck
For years: 93!!!
(pic)
Space Hopper Delivery Service
Your parcels bounce their way to you! (and not at inflated prices).
Hoppy drivers
and
Hoppy customers
galore.
Hoppy, bouncy fun
from warehouse to front door!
(pic)
The Mug Mugger!
Beware! Beware!
Guard your coffee with care!
(pics)
The Telephone who calls YOU!
(pics)
The H2O Band
Phil Pipe and his wife, Flo, have started up a band.
It isn't the type of music radio stations play; nor club DJs. And it certainly isn't the kind of music rocked to at Wembley Arena.
Phil and Flo Pipe have created: The H2O Band!
- - - -
The H2O Band have just released their debut album: and water album it is!
Tracks such as:
*Power Shower Trance
*Ferocious Flush
and
*Steamin' Stream
are so catchy that anglers have been known to "ditch the fish!"
Mr and Mrs Pipe's H2O Band's album is available on CD and download. Their next gig is taking place at the Pavilion Theatre, Cromer - but wave goodbye to purchasing a ticket: each seat gushed after just 90 minutes!
The Rocky Crab Dance tune will be making its debut at the theatre on the pier, as well as forthcoming single: Tidal Tantrum!
Sea you there, if you were lucky enough to grab a ticket before they sold out rapidly.
(The H2O Band's album: Gushes and Rushes (and Cheeky Blushes) is produced by U-Bend Records).
Ms Comet
There is a girl who rarely ventures out.
At home she stays
For years and days!
Hayley Comet is her name,
"Days and nights in" is her game...
Barmyness!
I've been to the second hand shop
That's how I can write;
I went to head office, too
(And dished out a fright...!)
At lost property office
I was left - confused.
Finally I'm free once more;
I was not amused!
To the fishing shop I went
But they threw me out;
I think they were angling to
'Cos they had no trout...
Or cod, salmon, plaice or rock
Shark or ray or skate;
In fact - them and not the fish -
Seemed to take the bait...
Ivor Keys
Ivor Keys: Locksmith; best in world,
Through doors - diverse - owners: hurled!
Ivor Keys: Locksmith - with his pick
Opens locks: he does the trick!
No drill needed
Tumblers picked
So fast that hands
Barely ticked.
Ivor Keys: picks for fun
In the rain
The fog
Or sun.
Ivor Keys: pick, pick he goes
Also up his
HAIRY NOSE!
Multi-picking:
He is ace!
What a smile
On his face:*
(pic)
*(But not on his customers...)!
Sandwich-Sandwich
The Sandwich Shop
in Sandwich
has permanently closed.
The owner, Mr Hovis
is, sadly, brown bread.
Mr Warburton was filling in for him
but was caught stealing
from the till
and is now:
TOAST!
Bra-my!
The...
Door-to-door bra salesmen
Get right on my tits!
They keep rambling on about
Cup sizes: the twits!
I am not a coffee shop
(And don't serve up tea),
And I do not want to purchase
Double C or D!*
alternative:
*Double bloody D!
Diddle Piddle (Remix)
Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
the cow po-goed really high,
the little dog growled at the telly
and coconut stayed at home: too shy...
Loony Balloony!
Two balloons were deep in love
Their love was inflated,
And to get wed they thought that
For too long they'd waited...
Two balloons so deep in love
Pop the question one
Did, and as lugs nearby burst...
Honeymoon was shun...
Dock Cock!
Hickory dickory dock
The mouse - it bit my cock!
It had a good nibble
And now when I piddle:
The pain! I faint in shock!
How Much...?
How much is that doggy in the window
The one with the shrill foghorn voice?
Can I take him home with me, he
Is my fave, he's my first choice.
He will keep him well away;
Postman and his bills: g'day!
Shark Pool (Olympics)
Let sharks - hungry
Swim loose, free!
Records? Or skin: slashed! He! He!
Olympic Hypno Fun!
Pinball should be in the Games
That ball whizzes; flip
Flip, beep, flash, flip: points galore;
Hypnotheric trip!
Rude Moon!
If the Moon
Did a Moonie,
Just how would it look?
This quick snap, last week, I took:
(pic)
Pete Problem
Pete worked in the garden centre.
He was in charge of the "soil section."
And he loved it!
(As his face, below, does show):
(pic)
Once, whilst on duty in his beloved soil section,
a young lady with a trolley asked: "Peat?"
"Yes!" he replied excitedly,
spinning in ovals and wobbling his ears
in joy.
"Where?" the lady went on.
"Here!" Pete answered, pointing to himself proudly
while twirling in delight.
The lady expelled steam from the end
of her extremely long hooter
(as proved here):
(pic)
And left in a terrible huff;
Peat-less!
The Yips
It's terrible to get the yips
A patience-less mind often - flips,
You see, it messes up the grips
And form it slips: it bloody dips!
For the yips there are no tips
(Booze can't help, well not just sips),
I've read about a dozen scripts
But tossed them in some garden skips.
I think I'll gorge on chippy chips
And sod all care about "the hips,"
Cos water fast now do my lips
Who cares at all if, when I strips
I cause eyes nearby to: eclipse!
Maths Club
The Mathematical Genius Club consists of
Dee Vision
Mal Teaply
Tim Stable
Al Geebra.
They munch on pi as they complete equations set by Group Tutor: Ms Cassandra, Cass, Eeyoh.
Something doesn't add up here; let's move on...
All I Kneed...
I have a spot
on my bott,
when I sit it
hurts - a lot!
That's why, rarely
I sit down;
And patellas
wear a frown:
(pic)
